Jacques and his siblings are growing at an alarming rate, with the larger members of this French research team already weighing more than 14 pounds. After reviewing the available evidence, we are no longer entirely convinced Jacques is a puppy. He may be a juvenile land manatee. The evidence is mounting: he is round, gentle, he moves only when the moment feels emotionally correct, he appears deeply committed to snacks, and he has the expression of someone who would prefer to simply drift. Marine biologists have been notified and DEM has asked us to stop calling.

Today: tiny puppy. Tomorrow: 400 pounds of peaceful marine mammal occupying your entire sectional. His future family should be prepared to provide: A reinforced couch, a generous snack budget, a climate controlled lagoon, and the emotional maturity to accept that the ottoman now belongs to Jacques.

Adopting Jacques means participating in an important long term scientific study titled: Is This a Dog, or Have We Accidentally Reintroduced the Manatee to Rhode Island? Early findings remain inconclusive.