Meet HERCULES. Alleged demigod. Currently part of a litter that has left our entire staff looking like confused spectators at an Olympic event nobody explained.

What breed is he? Excellent question. We have forwarded it to Mount Olympus. Nobody is returning our calls. Some of these puppies have long bodies and short legs. Others look like little whippets. It’s as though Zeus ordered a litter of dogs, selected “assorted,” and refused to elaborate.

There was a blueprint. Nobody followed it. We’re guessing maybe 25–30 pounds fully grown, but their adult size is still between them and the gods.

But the RUNNING. You expect some wobbling. A little puppy fumbling. Someone taking a corner like an overloaded shopping cart. Instead, these mysteriously assembled little creatures start moving with speed and grace their parked appearance simply does not explain. Suddenly it’s the Kentucky Derby, everyone has different equipment, and somehow EVERYBODY QUALIFIED.

“Is he… aerodynamic?”
“Where did he get another gear?”
“How did the one with the short legs jump straight over the one with the long ones?”

Disney gave its Hercules a training montage. Ours needs a slow motion replay and a brief consultation with an engineer.

Hercules is a baby who needs patient puppy training, love, and a family excited to discover who he grows into, even if the final measurements arrive as a surprise.

Will he become a mighty legend? A compact couch companion? A surprisingly elegant tube with track credentials? The oracle is unavailable. She watched them run and needs a minute.