EXHIBIT A: ELLE WOODS Elle Woods has entered the courtroom wearing pink, carrying no identification and refusing to disclose her breed without an attorney present. She is approximately one of FIFTEEN puppies and is an extremely mixed breed. How mixed? The DNA laboratory received her sample, turned off the lights and quietly left the building.

We know her mother was a beautiful medium-sized dog. Her father? Unknown.

But Elle has reviewed the evidence and would like to direct the court to the landmark case of:

Masturbatory Emissions v. Absolutely Nobody Taking Responsibility.

When a gentleman recklessly distributes his genetic material and then fails to provide kibble, vaccinations or child support for FIFTEEN CHILDREN, the court may reasonably classify that as: RECKLESS ABANDONMENT.

Any alleged father wishing to dispute these charges may report immediately for DNA testing with fifteen bags of puppy food and a written explanation of where the hell he has been.

Until then, paternity remains under seal.

Our preliminary genetic analysis suggests Elle may be:

14% something with ears

22% unidentified Southern gentleman

31% shredded court documents

18% dog who once saw a squirrel

47% audacity

Yes, that math is incorrect. So is whatever happened in this family tree.

Mom was medium sized, but Elle’s eventual size is still pending litigation. Genetics could file an appeal at any moment.

What we can tell you is that she is gorgeous and has already survived growing up with fourteen siblings. She can eat competitively, sleep through a riot and detect an unattended shoelace from three rooms away.

She may not know basic commands. She may not be house trained. She may currently believe a “legal brief” is a short nap after committing a felony.

But Elle Woods is ready to find the person who will love her, train her and spend the next several months yelling:

“WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?”

The defense rests.