NEWPORT HAS A NEW RESTAURANT OWNER. HE’S THREE MONTHS OLD, HAS NO LIQUOR LICENSE, AND WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THE CURLY FRIES. Rhode Island, who remembers Cheeky Monkey at Perry Mill Wharf?! The monkey themed décor, the upstairs cigar lounge, the wonderfully questionable decisions that followed a night out in Newport. And those Monkey Tail curly fries. THE CURLY FRIES, PEOPLE. SOME OF US ARE STILL NOT OVER IT.

Well, Cheeky Monkey is making a comeback. Unfortunately, the new management has four legs, absolutely no restaurant experience, and he has apparently appointed himself the new owner of Perry Mill Wharf. His proposed renovations include turning the upstairs cigar lounge into a luxury puppy nap facility, replacing the entire menu with curly fries, and requiring every customer to provide belly rubs before being seated.

His brother Tropical Gangster is attempting to reopen a clothing boutique on Thames Street despite owning no pants, while his sister Cabbage Rose has reportedly retained legal counsel over a fashion dispute. We’re beginning to suspect this entire litter needs adult supervision. Preferably someone with a law degree.

But behind all this Newport nonsense is a little puppy whose life didn’t begin nearly as happily as it should have. Cheeky Monkey is one of eight Pit mix puppies born into heartbreaking conditions in Texas. Their parents were chained, and the family was living without running water or electricity. These babies deserved safety, comfort, and the opportunity to grow up surrounded by love. Thankfully, people stepped in to give them that chance.

Cheeky Monkey is a sweet, adorable little boy who is now ready to experience everything a loving home has to offer. He’s still a young puppy, so he’ll need patience, training, socialization, and a family prepared for all the wonderful chaos that comes with raising one.

HE DOESN’T NEED A WATERFRONT RESTAURANT. HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO CALL HIS OWN.