BREAKING NEWS FROM LOWER THAMES: SELF-APPOINTED MAYOR REFUSES TO LEAVE O’BRIEN’S PATIO. HAS NEVER PAID HIS TAB.

NEWPORT PEOPLE. IF YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. O’Brien’s on Thames Street. The patio. The fountain. The mudslides. The people watching that frankly deserves its own reality television series. A place where you could stop for ONE drink and emerge six hours later with three new best friends, someone’s sunglasses, and absolutely no recollection of agreeing to attend a wedding.

MEET O’BRIEN. This guy has never met a stranger and he greets everyone like he’s running for office.  He loves other dogs, adores being outside, and considers any gathering of more than two people a PRIVATE EVENT HELD IN HIS HONOR.

He’s the guy going table to table asking everyone how their mudslides are. He doesn’t even work there but how somehow appointed himself management.

O’Brien keeps his kennel spotless and walks pretty well on a leash, although occasionally something requires his immediate attention. A person? MUST SAY HELLO. Another dog? IMPORTANT BUSINESS. A suspicious leaf? WE HAVE A DEVELOPING SITUATION ON LOWER THAMES. Fortunately, he’s eager to please and redirects easily.

But here’s the part that breaks our hearts. O’Brien was found wandering alone in an area with very few homes. Nobody knows how this sweet, social boy ended up there, and he’s been waiting far too long for someone to choose him. Because if there’s one thing we know about O’Brien’s, NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO SIT ON THE PATIO ALONE.

He’s looking for an active, loving family who appreciates adventure, affection, and a dog who treats every day like a celebration.

LET’S GET THIS MAN OFF THE PATIO AND ONTO SOMEBODY’S COUCH. His constituents are waiting. His campaign staff is exhausted. And the Mayor would very much appreciate a permanent address in his district.