EXHIBIT C: WARNER HUNTINGTON III
Warner Huntington III has arrived wearing boat shoes without socks and asking why the transport van did not drop him off on Bellevue Avenue.
Warner is one of FIFTEEN puppies, although his family prefers the term: “A private regatta.”
He claims he was born at the Summer cottage.
The summer cottage has 43 rooms, a ballroom and a gift shop that charges admission whenever the family is “away.”
Sir. That is a Newport mansion, and you were born in a pile behind fourteen other puppies.
Warner has already applied to Harvard Law as a legacy admission.
We know his mother was a medium sized mixed breed.
His father remains completely unknown.
Warner insists the man is a Vanderbilt who has been away racing yachts in Europe and will acknowledge him as soon as “the estate situation is resolved.”
Our preliminary DNA analysis suggests:
22% Newport trust fund 18% golden retriever pictured on a Christmas card 21% unpaid marina invoice 17% decorative anchor 22% telling tourists that he lives here year-round 14% offshore mathematical accountingWarner recently announced that it is time for him to get serious.
He needs a Jackie, not a Marilyn.
OF COURSE HE DOES.
Jackie grew up at Hammersmith Farm, married a Kennedy at St. Mary’s in Newport and held the reception back at the family’s 300-acre oceanfront estate.
Warner isn’t looking for love.
He is looking for harbor access, political connections, 1,200 wedding guests and a strategic merger with an established Newport family.
This is not a relationship.
It is a hostile takeover in boat shoes.
Unfortunately, what Warner actually brings to the negotiating table is no job, no yacht, no identifiable father and absolutely no control of his own bladder.
What Warner actually needs is house training, appropriate chew toys and someone willing to explain that your family having a table at the yacht club is not a personality.
His eventual size is uncertain.
Despite his staggering entitlement, Warner is extremely sweet, ridiculously handsome and willing to relocate anywhere with a comfortable sofa.
He will even consider a home without harbor access.
He simply requests love, patience, snacks and naming rights to your largest bathroom.
Warner will bring the family crest.
You will bring everything else.
The yacht does not exist. We are just as disappointed as you.