THE UNDERWORLD HAS A NEW MANAGER AND HE HAS TO BE CARRIED OVER THE BABY GATE.

Meet Hades. He is 7lbs of pure adorableness operating under a name with SIGNIFICANT legal implications. We named this tiny man after the Lord of the Underworld and now have to conduct his adoption like this is normal.

Look at that tiny face and tell us he isn’t about to pitch you an extremely questionable deal involving your immortal soul and half a rotisserie chicken.

“Babe. Love ya. Mean it. Pick me up. We’ve got a hostile takeover at 3 and I cannot reach the door handle.”

Disney gave us blue flames, an elaborate plot to overthrow Mount Olympus and a villain with the energy of a Hollywood agent having a breakdown in traffic. We have a little dog you could weigh on a kitchen scale. THE PROPHECY DID NOT PREPARE US FOR THIS.

Please understand the opportunity before you. You could stand in your yard wearing pajama pants yelling, “HADES, GO POTTY,” while your neighbors quietly reconsider everything they know about you. You could call your veterinarian and say, “The Lord of the Dead needs his nails trimmed.” You could leave a party early because “Hades is waiting for me” and simply refuse to elaborate.

Meanwhile, Hercules, Phil, Pegasus, Meg and Persephone are also here and up for adoption, so apparently we’re running an animal shelter AND a deeply underfunded Disney production.

Underneath the dramatic name is an impossibly cute little dog who needs a family of his own. Someone to love him, spoil him and eventually say “that’s my little Lord of Darkness” in a baby voice that permanently damages their reputation.

The Underworld is temporarily closed. Its manager is being kissed on his tiny little head.